Welcome to my Mind on Christ

WARNING: This post is not for the faint of heart. It may be helpful to people who have a hard time with accepting Christianity.

I live in a constant state of investigation. This makes some Christians nervous because they don’t like the idea of questioning Christianity, but I believe that questioning is the only way to true truth. My favorite bible verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:21- but test everything; hold fast what is good. Because I question everything, I am sure of my beliefs. If you are truly secure in your beliefs being the only beliefs that are right, then why be afraid to question them?

So, here is my thought process on Christianity:

1. I am a Christian because I have no choice to not be.

I can’t look at the world around me and not immediately start to dissect everything. Back to the very basics of life- have you ever watched a video on the biology of a baby being conceived? It is a miracle that anyone gets pregnant. Have you ever sat alone and realized all of the things that are happening in your body? The cells multiplying to create scabs..the beating of your heart…your eyes blinking..Just the fact that 1) your eyes are reading these words, and 2) your mind is translating them into meaning???? I don’t have a choice but to believe in intelligent design. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that it all wasn’t created by a very intentional hand.

2. Now that I have established that God is real, the idea of God is not a nice idea to me.

As a Selfish Human, I hate the idea of living every day under the will of something other than myself. I want to do whatever I want. Also, I do not like the idea of life answering to the will of someone who does not hold my human interests above everything else. I would like for everyone I love to live forever, for me to be a millionaire, for it to be 68 degrees and cloudy every day, and for pants without stretchy waistbands to be banned. The fact that the institution of my will would lead to the demise of others annoys me. The fact that God works for the greater good of His plan and not mine annoys me.

3. Now that I have established that God's will is greater than mine, I accept God’s will because it is the only thing that makes sense.

I often think of people who do not believe in God, and I can’t understand how they get out of bed. How do you get out of bed when the love of your life dies?? Why would you? Without the presence of some Greater Good, why endure another painful moment on this Earth? If you live every day through the heartbreak and war and poverty and disease that surrounds us, does it not make you wonder what it is all for?

4. Now that I have submitted to God's will as the only way, I have to understand that the world is only going to get worse.

To me, the world is horrible, overall. It has been on a downward trajectory since Adam and Eve. The Bible straight up leads to a fiery, hellacious ending for Earth. The ONLY reasons to live are for 1) immediate pleasures that are fleeting and 2) to live to glorify God. I like my job. I have friends. I love my family. I like to read. These are immediate and fleeting pleasures. They are nothing in the grand scheme of the world. I hope to point my children, family, friends, and students to a life that will glorify God. This will matter because it is what I am commanded to do by God, and all that will remain is God.

5. Now that I accept that this world is not eternal, I must accept that I will never understand God’s motivation, and I have to be ok with that.

Why did God create us if He knew that we would fail him? Did God create us just because He wanted to be worshiped? You’re telling me that babies die as some sort of intentional action?? People experience excruciating pain for years on end, and God lets it just go on and on? People who live their lives loving others, doing kind things, and causing no harm will still go to hell if they do not believe in God????? These things baffle me, and because I am so sure of the presence of God, I just have to let myself be baffled because my stupid, human brain can only see stupid, human perspective.

6. Now that I realize that I will never comprehend God's motivation, I can bask in the sheer magnitude of God's power and the fact that HE chose ME to be created and to love, and this makes me thankful.

Who am I amongst the crowd? What am I beside the sea and the mountains? I am nothing. I matter to a very small group of people in comparison to the world's population. My name will disappear from history in a relatively short amount of time after I die- yet he chose to create me. Not only did he choose to create me, but he chose to give me two beautiful children who bring me JOY beyond measure. He even gave them chunky thighs and dimples that make me smile constantly. He chose to introduce me to books that awaken my imagination. He chose to bring me into contact with people who make my days enjoyable. He chose to create flavors and sensations that serve the sole purpose of bringing small moments of enjoyment to my days. Of course, God loves me because he sacrificed is son to save me from hell, but my stupid, human brain doesn't process this like the love that I encounter, but when I understand that He did not have to do any of these things, but he instead CHOSE to do them, then I FEEL His love.

My husband likes to call me a nihilist, but I’m not. I just completely believe in the will of God and in my insignificance as a human. I have always had a hard time with the narrative of salvation through emotional routes as I am not really an emotional person. Christianity overwhelms and possesses me despite the holes I tried to punch and the faults I tried to find.

It may make you uncomfortable to confront your stupid, human brain, but you are cursed with it. Only because God has chosen to save you will you ever be free of it. Congrats. :)