Stop Telling Them that "Everything Happens for a Reason"

We hear that someone has lost a loved one, so we quickly reach out to offer our condolences and to remind them that “everything happens for a reason.”

This reassurance may not have the effect that we desire. Give me a chance to convince you that there are plenty of other things that you could say as a believer, as a friend, and just as a human that are FAR more helpful when those whom you love are hurting.

Let’s start from the Christian worldview. Proverbs 16:4 says that “The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.” Romans 8:28 reads “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. This inarguably means that even if horrible things are happening, they are happening because of some over-arching plan that ultimately glorifies the mission of God. We use verses like these to reassure ourselves and others that although we are hurting, it is for a greater purpose.

I’m not saying that this is incorrect, but I am absolutely saying that this sentiment does not always have the effect that we as well-wishers desire.

We mean for it to bring meaning to tragedy. We hope for it to tie horrible happenstance to hopeful futures. But often, the saying “everything happens for a reason” is received as belittling and almost insulting.

From the non-religious worldview, this saying means that all parts of our lives work together to tell our overall story. We often hear people say that tragedies help us become stronger or that they teach us life lessons that make us better people. Again, I am not saying that this is wrong, but we need to pause to recognize pain and to validate suffering.

If I have suffered a miscarriage, your “everything happens for a reason” sounds like you are telling me, a grieving mother, that my baby is dead on purpose. If I am unfamiliar with scripture OR if I am weak in my understanding, it sounds like you are telling me that God wanted me to lose my baby.

If I have lost my job, your “everything happens for a reason” sounds like you are telling me, a struggling provider, that my hunger and poverty are on purpose. If I am unfamiliar with scripture OR if I am weak in my understanding, it sounds like you are telling me that God wants me to worry about feeding my family and paying my bills.

While you mean well, often this message does little more than to teach both non-believers and fragile believers that God is not actually love but that He is masochistic and is fine with sacrificing the well-being of his Children for the “greater good.”

This is not the message of Christ.

The message of Christ is Isaiah 53:6 where Jesus says that the Father would leave his 99 sheep to find the lost ONE. The message of Christ is John 11:33-35 where Jesus WEPT for the pain of his followers.

The message of Christ is empathy- and it is NOT unintentional belittling of our pain.

This, above all else, is true: God is sovereign. Job 42:2 reminds us that no purpose of God’s can be thwarted, but we must understand the difference between things happening with God’s permission and things happening because of God’s instruction. 1 John 1:5 reminds us that God cannot cause evil and that evil does not ever come from Him. No part of God’s original plan was for there to be pain and suffering (Romans 5:12, Genesis 2:17). God allows the consequences of evil to occur because of the sin that is within the world, but it was never God’s desire for us to hurt. While the over-arching continuum of life is ordained by God, the introduction of sin into the world brings heartbreaking pain that is everything but what God wanted for us.

Of course, when we step back and look at the entire course of humanity, we as individuals matter very little. Very little that we do, outside of our pursuits of the Kingdom, will ever have any lasting effects, but when it comes to grieving and comforting others, what matters is the pain. What matters is the understanding.

Instead of saying that “everything happens for a reason,” try to pause and understand that while we are small and insignificant, we are also fragile and in need of care.

Try some of these responses, instead:

“I am so sorry for your pain, and I am here if you need me.”

“I am here if you need to cry or if you need to talk about it, and I will give you all the space that you need to heal.”

“You are so loved, and I will show you that love through whatever means you find necessary.”

“God does not want us to hurt, and it hurts Him when we are in pain. I am hurting for you.”

Mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15).

Carry out acts of kindness (1 John 3:18).

Remind them that they are not alone (Psalm 23).

Stopping to allow those around us to truly feel human emotion is central to us supporting and truly loving those whom Jesus has placed in our circle.

Also, if in my suffering, you approach me with “everything happens for a reason,” I will quickly tell you that you are a “miserable comforter” (Job 16:2). Let people be human. Let them feel pain. Be there for them in that moment.