Raising Girls Who Cast Light Instead of Shade

When I look at my character development and try to pinpoint the years of my life which were most difficult, I immediately zero in on years 12ish to 16ish. There were a lot of reasons that these years were so tough for me, but one of them was definitely the presence of mean girls.

I was a fairly introverted child who leaned more towards close, small friend groups (or even one-on-one relationships) rather than large groups of friends. Because of this, my self-perception was decently steady. I didn't seek out a whole lot of opinions on who I should be or what I should become. Even with this close-knit, closed-off stance, I was still so susceptible to experiences that made me anxious and doubtful of my worth.

If you are a former girl (read: woman), you have probably had an experience or 27 with a mean girl. You might have even been a mean girl (hopefully, reformed). Being a preteen/teenager is no joke. You have constant responsibilities, expectations, and desires, and you have very little agency regarding your choices and your future. You are changing physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably at least 3 more -allys. And so is everyone around you.

Looking back, I give a lot of grace to the mean girls whom I encountered. While they might have seemed more confident or put together, they were dealing with just as many changes and growing pains, and I can now see that we were just all trying to make it through.

Even with this perspective, I still harbor a lot of anxiety now because I am a mother of two girls. Part of that anxiety comes from knowing that I wasn't always the kind girl I wish I had been- I had my own moments of meanness and my own times when I chose competition over compassion. We could get into all of the reasons that society fosters animosity between girls and women, but today, I want to focus on what I am doing to ensure that my girls are a part of a future where women support one another by default rather than seeing one another as conscious or subconscious competition. No parent sets out to raise a mean girl, but hoping for kindness isn't the same as training for it.

The Reality Check I Didn't Expect

Even at their young ages, my girls are experiencing the first drops of mean into their own lives. I didn't expect to already have to deal with this, but because of technology, children are growing up extremely fast. My girls are sparkly and messy and brave and emotional (a great thing!), and I am putting in a lot of effort to be able to confidently say that they are fundamentally kind.

They are still very little, but I am already extremely intentionally planting seeds and nurturing them towards how I want them to grow. There are a few ways I want to make sure that they develop. I want them to be followers of Jesus. I want them to love to read. And I definitely want them to be kind to other girls. More than just kind, I want them to be lights to other girls.

Here are some ways that I am training them to be kind, light-casting girls.

Training Their Eyes to See Beauty (Which is Everywhere)

When we watch TV, read books, or even just walk through malls, we point out beautiful things and people. "Wow, look at how gorgeous that girl's hair is!" "Did you notice that beautiful dress that that woman had on?" "Do you see how strong that lady's arms are in her overalls?" I especially do this if the girl or woman may have a kind of beauty that you don't often see.

These statements might seem like nothing, but each one gives my girls a chance to train in talking nice behind the backs of other women. Their instinct is developing to be that when they see other women, they focus on the things that they think are cool or appealing about them.

Also, if I notice someone who maybe dresses or looks in an unconventional manner, we also discuss how awesome it is that they are different from us. When we see someone who is creative and special and chooses to dress in costume in Walmart, we talk about how that is SO fun and about how we bet that they are GREAT at playing games. When we see someone with a different body than ours, whether that be through a birth difference or difference because of a life experience, we talk about how fast that wheelchair must allow them to roll down hallways or how neat it is that they get to have one metal leg and one skin leg!

We have also completely owned the word “weird” and have made it a positive thing. If you’re not weird, you’re not living to your fullest potential. If you call my kids weird, they will probably thank you (I hope!). 

The Way I Talk About My Own Body

When I exercise, it is always for uplifting reasons like being able to walk longer on our nature walks or being able to carry my baby even though she is 4 now and never because I want to be skinnier or smaller. When I choose to have a hamburger without a bun, it is because I want my body to focus on growing more muscle instead of turning bread into sugar because I don't want to need a nap later. When a dress is too small, we give it away because it no longer fits our body, and CLOTHES are made for US—not the other way around.

Does this mean that I always love my body or the way that it is changing? Absolutely not. But I make intentional choices around my children so that they see that bodies are primarily vehicles for souls and hearts and not our end-all-be-all sources of worth.

I know there will be days when my daughters want to be bigger or smaller or shorter or taller, and I plan to show them examples of people who look like them and to focus on their accomplishments and positive aspects rather than things that society might typically view as negative. We also talk about how people make changes to their bodies to help them feel more confident, and about how that is great because confidence helps us be braver in friendships, in trying new things, and in being the people God made us to be.

But we also talk about how the most important changes happen on the inside. When we work on being kinder, more patient, or more brave, those changes make us better friends, better sisters, and better daughters. Those are the changes that make people want to be around us and that make us happy in the long run.

I want my girls to know that taking care of their bodies is important; eating foods that make them feel strong, moving in ways that make them feel powerful, and yes, even doing things that make them feel pretty. But I also want them to know that their worth isn't tied to any of those things. Their worth comes from being loved by God and from the love they give to others.

When Other Kids Are Mean

When a friend is mean to one of my girls, my instinct may be to evolve immediately into some sort of creature of motherly wrath, but instead, I lead my girls through exploring why this friend may have acted less than friendly.

"I bet that there is some sadness in her heart that made her say that mean thing to you."

"I'm so sorry that she acted that way, but why don't we pray for her?"

"Let's give her some space to think about her actions, because she is little just like you, and she may need some more time to practice kindness just like you need some more time to practice strength."

"If she often makes your heart sad, let's make sure to seek out friends who make our hearts happy, and let's give her some more time to grow."

The root of these conversations is that no child is bad, and every child has the chance to be a good friend, if they are taught how to do so.

Being the Welcomers

My girls were at a new school this year, and while the school was wonderfully intentional on making them feel included, there is still nothing like being the new kid. We have already talked about how this year, my girls get the chance to be welcoming and inclusive to any new friends who may join their schools. We talk about watching for friends who may be on the edges of groups or who may be on their own and about things that we can say or do to make sure that these friends know we want them to be included.

My Hope for the Future

I have only been a mother for 6.5 years now, so no part of me claims to be an expert, but I am doing my best to ensure that my girls will be someone that your girls will benefit from knowing.

The mean girls of my past were just trying to figure it out, same as I was. But maybe, if I'm intentional enough now, my girls can be part of creating a different story for the next generation. Maybe they can help build a world where girls default to lifting each other up instead of looking for ways to compete or tear down.

Every time they practice speaking kindly about another girl, every time they choose to include someone who's left out, every time they respond to meanness with grace- they're not just becoming better people, they're helping to change what it means to grow up as a girl. 

Girlhood can and should be beautiful and wonderful.